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  • Thursday, January 27, 2005

    He wants to take it slow

    "What about a man who says he wants to take it slow...? He doesn't see me more than once a week...sometimes much less...doesn't call just to chat...or check in to see how i am...only contacts when wants to see me."
    My attention is called to two things here. One, if he says he wants to "take it slow," that implies that the existence of an "it" to take slow. The other item that pops out is that his idea of taking it slow seems to mean that he has graciously allowed you a weekly timeslot, and has the further kindness to inform you when you may have the privilege of being allowed into the Presence.

    "Taking it slow" is not in and of itself a bad thing, if by taking it slow we mean that the couple agrees to take some time and get to know each other before becoming "serious," which in western culture today generally means "intimate," and certainly all young people are advised to take it slow before deciding to make a long term commitment.

    I do not think this is the case with this young man, however. This appears to be more of a unilateral decree on his part, far from the mutual agreement one would wish to see, nor occurring against the backdrop not of two people whose relationship consists of have enjoyed one or maybe two working day lunches.

    While there is no one answer for how often people who are seeing each other should communicate, most people in such a situation have a desire to talk to each other whenever they can, as opposed to making it a weekly scheduled item, like clipping one's fingernails.

    Does he work on an oil rig, or in some other isolated environment that limits his contacts with the outside world to once a week?

    What is he doing during the rest of his week? What does he suppose you are doing? Perhaps that is not a concern, if he is sure that what you are doing with the rest of your week consists largely of hoping for a bonus call from him.

    Or perhaps it is not a concern because what he seeks from the relationship does not include being a part of your life, and whether you have a cold, or a hard day and could use a friendly, listening ear is simply not the kind of thing that a busy man like him has time to think about.

    Is he in that famous "place where he needs to see different people," and if so, does "seeing" mean going out to dinner or going to bed?

    The decision you must make is whether you are content to gratefully accept your slot in the weekly rotation, and devote yourself to making whatever slice of his time he deigns to bestow on you as delightful as possible for him, in the whispered hope that he will one day permit you two nights a week, or whether you find that you would like to take things even slower, and regrettably have other plans the next time he honors you with his attention, plans which he may never know about, since it would hardly be prudent to detail them in your answering machine message, but as soon as possible let him know that you wish him all the best, and look forward to enjoying an annual working day lunch with him for years to come.

    posted at 8:36 PM


    I am a Grumpy Old Man who will give you free advice, which you will in all probability, ignore.

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