Free Advice from a Grumpy Old Man
  • I'm 16 and I think I'm gay
  • I slept with him and he didn't call me
  • I want to hook up with hot chicks
  • His ex just won't let go
  • My mom wants grandkids
  • Can love grow?
  • How can I make him notice me?
  • Men: a Help Manual for Ladies
  • Should I give him an ultimatum?
  • What do you think of blind dates?

  • Thursday, January 20, 2005
  • Friday, January 21, 2005
  • Saturday, January 22, 2005
  • Sunday, January 23, 2005
  • Monday, January 24, 2005
  • Tuesday, January 25, 2005
  • Wednesday, January 26, 2005
  • Thursday, January 27, 2005
  • Monday, January 31, 2005
  • Tuesday, February 01, 2005
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  • Thursday, February 03, 2005
  • Friday, February 04, 2005
  • Tuesday, February 08, 2005
  • Thursday, February 17, 2005
  • Friday, February 18, 2005
  • Saturday, February 19, 2005
  • Sunday, February 20, 2005
  • Wednesday, February 23, 2005
  • Thursday, February 24, 2005
  • Friday, February 25, 2005
  • Friday, February 25, 2005

    I'm 16 and I think I'm gay

    Until about a year ago I only liked girls....I started feeling like attracted to guys does that mean I am gay or bi or do I know what to pick?

    It means that you are 16.

    You are not required to choose a sexual preference and stick to it as if it were a car loan payment plan.

    In fact we are learning from science that you do not choose it at all. And we have already learned from science that 16 year old boys are not yet fully developed, physically or emotionally.

    Nor are they all the same. Some people know their sexual preference without a shadow of a doubt before they reach puberty and never give it a second thought. Others go through periods of uncertainty, as you are experiencing.

    Some people are bisexual. Some scientists say that we are all bisexual, to one degree or another.

    It is almost certain that by the time you have completed adolescence, you will know whether you are gay, bi, or straight.

    Problems related to sexual preference have to do with societies and cultures, not you. You may at some point have to cope with the problems of other people regarding this issue, the important thing is to remember that the problem is not yours, but theirs!

    In the meantime, since the issue is worrying you, if there are GLBT organizations with teen outreach programs in your area, give them a call. You can talk to grownups who went through the same things, and be reassured that like acne, this too will pass, and you will be just fine, whatever your sexual preference as an adult turns out to be.
    posted at 5:08 PM

    | Thursday, February 24, 2005

    I slept with him and he didn't call me

    I really really like this guy, I think I might be in love with sex I have ever had in my life...he was going to call me that night...been almost two weeks and I haven't heard from him...when I call his office they say he is in a meeting and when I call his house I get his machine....left him messages and I even thought about sending him some flowers. My friend says maybe he is just scared because it was so intense...How can I let him know that I really love him and he won't get hurt?

    I think your friend may be trying to spare your feelings. Though well-intentioned, this is not in your long term best interests.

    It is not he who is in any danger of getting hurt, though you already have been.

    It is extremely unlikely that this man will call you, and I would recommend that you do not continue calling him.

    Many people, both women and men alike, make the mistake of confusing sex with love. There can be any number of reasons for this, a lack of experience with real intimacy, insecurity, a childhood or youth deprived of love and/or affection, whatever the reason, the effect is an inability to distinguish sexual attraction from love.

    While it is true that sex can be an expression of the love people feel for each other, it can also be merely an expression of sexual desire.

    If this man loved you, it is likely that he would not have slept with you so early in the relationship, regardless of your willingness, even eagerness to do so, and if he did, you can be assured that he would have at the very least, called you the next day, if not the same day, and every day since, if for some reason he could not come to wherever you are.

    Even if your friend is correct, which as I said, is unlikely, he would have returned your call.

    There are few hard and fast rules in the game, but this comes pretty close:

    A man who sleeps with a woman and does not call her, or appear on her doorstep as soon as humanly possible was interested only in sleeping with her, and now that he has done that, he has no further interest in her beyond possibly sleeping with her again, and if he should want to do that, he will advise her at that time.

    It is possible, if you persist in calling him, that he may eventually return one of your calls and even agree to sleep with you again, if you insist on it, and he has the time available.

    I would, however, in the interest of your own peace of mind and self-respect, advise you to erase this encounter from your mind and focus your energy on a more rewarding target. However wonderful your experience might have seemed, it will be entirely forgotten when you find the man you really love, who will love you in return.
    posted at 5:43 PM

    | Wednesday, February 23, 2005

    I want to hook up with hot chicks

    Why is all your advice so old school? This is the 20th century dude! Why don't you tell more about how to hook up w/hot chicks?

    I am a Grumpy OLD man, dude.

    Some things do not change. Centuries, however, do, and this one is the 21st by the Julian calendar.

    Certain aspects of human behavior have remained essentially unchanged over the centuries, however. People were falling in love thousands of years ago, and this still happens today.

    My advice is intended for people who are interested in developing a long-term, serious relationship. I am quite aware that the practice of dalliances and sexual adventurism remains, like falling in love, a popular activity even after millennia, however, do you really need advice for that?

    Selecting a partner for a dalliance is hardly a consequential matter. One selects a young lady who pleases the eye, and is inclined to such activity, one enjoys her, and that is that.

    It does not matter if she is emotionally stable, intelligent or kind. You are not likely to ever see each other again, unless it is for the same purpose, so you can both be less selective.

    I would add the ethical caveat that if there is any inclination that the young lady may perceive your interest to be other than it is, you should pass the flower by, lovely though it may be, and pluck one who is, like you, seeking nothing more than casual physical intimacy.

    This is not only common decency, but could cause problems for you as well.

    I will assume that you are aware of the risks of STDs and such, and that you have enough common sense to protect yourself as best you can.

    This is all a normal part of the maturation process. At some point, you will (one hopes) cease to find novelty in these experiences and turn your attentions to something of more substance. That will be a warning sign that you are growing up. Come back then and I will give you some advice.
    posted at 6:01 PM

    | Sunday, February 20, 2005

    His ex just won't let go

    My boyfriend's ex won't leave us alone. Whenever he comes over she is always calling his cell and texting him...leaves notes on his locker and on his car...comes up to him when he is with me and goes I really hate to bug you guys but can I talk to you for just a sec and then keeps him talking until she gets him upset....

    This is not a problem that concerns you directly unless you choose that it be so. It appears that he and his ex have a number of unresolved issues and that their relationship continues. Not in a healthy way, but it does continue.

    You do not tell me your age, but I surmise that you are all very young, and he was not married to her, she is not taking him from your side to inform him that an offer has been made or withdrawn on some property they own jointly, or calling him to discuss the illness of one of their children.

    No one is forcing him to take her calls when he is with you, or talk to her until he gets upset, and the fact that he gets upset, and continues to accept her intrusions, tells you everything you need to know to decide whether you wish to continue dating the two of them, or choose a boy who will be able to devote more of his time and attention to you.

    He has made the choice not to let her know, kindly but firmly, on the first occasion of this behavior, that while he wishes to maintain cordial relations with her, and wishes her all the best, all the best includes her getting on with her life, and going out with someone else, if she chooses, as he has.

    Whatever the reasons, it appears that neither of them is ready to let go and move on. You have an excellent opportunity to show them both how it is done.
    posted at 3:27 PM

    | Saturday, February 19, 2005

    My mom wants grandkids

    We have been married for 3 years...neither of us really wants to have a baby...can't say for sure if we ever will. But My mom wants grandchildren...causing problems between her and my wife..I feel stuck in the middle.

    I see two issues here. One, your mother wants grandchildren, and you are not, at least at present, inclined to produce them. It is natural for her to want grandchildren, and it is natural for her to be disappointed that she does not receive any. However, the fact that you are honest and responsible enough to refrain from reproducing when you do not want to is a testament to the good job she did in raising you.

    She has brought you up to understand that being a parent is the most important job in the world, and the decision to become one is momentous, and should not be undertaken unless both halves of the couple want a child more than they want anything else, and both are ready and eager to assume the grave and lifelong responsibilities of parenthood.

    The other issue is, Why are you stuck in the middle? The decision to become parents is, as the rest of your message rightly indicates, one to be made jointly by you and your wife.

    You need to have a talk with your mother, and make sure that she understands that it is not a question of your wife refusing to have a child despite your pleadings, that you yourself do not wish to be a parent, at least at this time either. Parents sometimes project their own desires onto their children, and it could be that your mother is simply assuming that you share her eagerness to get on with the next generation of the family, and that her daughter in law is the only impediment to that.

    Try to be sensitive to her feelings. Especially in some cultures, grandchildren are extremely important, and some older people may even feel that they have failed in their duties as a parent if their children do not reproduce.

    If you can, help her to see that, as discussed earlier, your not having children is, on the contrary, evidence that she has done an exceptional job. She wants her grandchildren to have the best, and the best starts with parents who want to be parents!
    posted at 5:30 PM

    | Friday, February 18, 2005

    Can love grow?

    ..I am desperately trying to break old habits in dating. I tend to fall madly in love with the "wrong guys". Ones that come on strong and then back away, or sadly, ones that have drinking problems. After ending a 3 year relationship with a drinker, I decided to get into counseling. My therapist is helping me understand why I have made some poor choices with me.

    I am blessed now with a wonderful, loving man that I have been dating for a little over a month. He is kind, considerate, caring, thoughtful, sweet, funny...
    and I do enjoy spending time with him. He and I are both on the same page with taking it slow and getting to know each other...

    I don't feel the 'sparks' I thought I would....I want to know if it is possible to let love grow. He is not typically the type..I usually go for.. Can I eventually find feelings for this man who is potentially a great candidate to be a
    fantastic husband and father?..

    First of all, congratulations on having the courage and strength to reclaim your life, and helping yourself by getting help.

    True love is a mysterious thing. It can be neither summoned nor dismissed, it most definitely can and does grow, in fact that is one of its most popular features. :)

    I can assure you that the kind of love that makes the scent of her perfume turn a man into a conquering tiger as the sound of his approach makes a woman's heart thrill after more years together than most lifetimes last, (even when the perfume is tinged a bit with Ben-Gay and the tiger's ferocity requires a rather leisurely recuperation period involving strong tea and a soft couch) is possible.

    Does everybody get it? No. Should everybody strive for it? in my opinion, yes. If you settle for less, who knows what you could be throwing away?

    That said, your question is a complex one.

    First of all, a month is not a long time. Love at first sight is a myth. There may be physical attraction at first sight, even infatuation at first sight, and both can bloom into love, given the proper cultivation, and if the seed is healthy.

    And both can sprout the weeds and reveal themselves as what they really are - attraction and/or infatuation.

    Admiration, friendship, respect, can also bloom into love, and even if they do not, these are good seeds on their own merit that have a place in your garden.

    Love does not care whether the person is "your type." When you fall in love, he will be your new type, and when he falls in love with you, you will be the most beautiful woman in the world even if you look like Shrek on a bad hair day. And that's the way it will stay. This is a miraculous phenomenon that will also provide you in future years with the joy of embarrassing the hell out of your great-grandchildren.

    I would advise you at this early stage not to rule out the possibility that you might, because of your recovery, be guarding your heart a bit from "sparks," and that is a good thing, an excellent sign.

    Taking it slow means you do not have to decide if it is true love in a month.

    If that is what it turns out to be, it may be a year, even more, before the flower opens and leaves you no room for doubt.

    There is no set calendrical period that you can program into your desktop schedule, and say, if I don't feel X by Y date, then Z.

    Love is universal, but every heart is different, and a recovering heart requires special care.

    Just as you will when and if what you feel for him is definitely and positively True Love with initial capitals, so will you know if it is definitely and positively a deep abiding friendship, strong enough and true enough for you to want this wonderful man to find the happiness he deserves with someone who loves him as much as he loves her, and he will feel the same about you.

    So for now, get to know him, let him get to know you, enjoy each other, there is no pressure, no expiration date. Just let things develop naturally, keep doing all the good things you are doing to help yourself, watch your garden grow, and see what blooms there. :)
    posted at 12:29 PM

    | Thursday, February 17, 2005

    How can I make him notice me?

    I like this boy but he doesn't know I'm alive. How can I make him notice me?

    You will have to do something very simple, and very brave. The next time you see him, look him straight in the eye, give him your most charming smile, and say "Wussup" or "Yo" or whatever the standard greeting is within your cultural context.

    One of two things will happen. Either he will seize the day and initiate a conversation with you, or he will not.

    Now you have an important strategic decision to make. You have two courses of action. You can initiate a conversation with him, as soon as he responds to your greeting, or you can stick with the smile, walk away, and repeat smile and greeting one or more times. Which is better? That depends on you. If you are patient, but don't know what you would talk to him about, go with the smile-greeting maneuver until you think about this.

    One thing to consider, if you don't know what you would talk to him about in this situation, what would you talk to him about on a date? Why do you like him? His looks may attract you, but what is he interested in? Everyone loves to talk about themselves.

    If, after repeated smiles and greetings, he still does not talk to you, pay more attention to how he interacts with others. If he doesn't talk to anybody, he could be shy, and you may have to just bite the bullet and go start a conversation yourself.

    If he seems gregarious enough with his friends, and more to the point, other girls, engaging him in conversation is the only way you are going to convince him that you are what I believe is referred to nowadays as "da bomb."

    You must also be prepared for the possibility that he is interested in some other young lady, or that he is inconceivably and inexplicably simply not interested in you, despite the fact that you are clearly da bomb.

    If that turns out to be the sad case, then your only reasonable option is to look around and consider which other boys appeal to you.

    Do not waste your time pining over a dog that won't hunt.
    posted at 1:36 PM


    I am a Grumpy Old Man who will give you free advice, which you will in all probability, ignore.

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